Wednesday, February 28, 2007


Quit struggling! Learn how to put your thoughts and emotions into words. Gain the confidence you need for the most difficult writing task of all: writing a memo to the boss. The workshop covers incredibly valuable, career-enhancing concepts such as:
  • How to dangle a participle and bamboozle a micro-manager.
  • How to incorporate the elements of tragic mythology into every memo.
  • The oft overlooked "semi-colonic sucker punch" that gives you the upper hand.
  • The seven deadly nouns.
  • The three adjectives that say to your boss, "Hey, I'm sucking up to you!"
  • The one lesson you can master while watching the TV show The Office.
This workshop comes with a money-back guarantee!*

* Void if your boss has a name like Voldemort or Sauron.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The High on Performanz™ Organization!

Performanz™ - the only therapeutic analgesic clinically proven to relieve the agony of working with obnoxious, know-it-all consultants!

SIDE EFFECT MAY INCLUDE: Blinding Glimpses of the Obvious or development of Big Hairy Audacious Growths (BHAGs) on the buttocks or palms. In rare cases an organization may suffer from Mad Cash Cow Disease. Left-brain thinkers may suffer from obsessive reading of the Harvard Business Review while in the bathroom. Right-brain thinkers may suffer from projectile vomiting during performance reviews. Do not use Performanz™ while drinking Merlot or watching the movie Sideways. Do not dispense Performanz™ to employees while applying the principles of fear-based management.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

If I ever find the consultant who first coined that phrase, I'll rip his lungs out put the video up on YouTube!

There’s no "I" in team and there's no "aye"either. That must mean sailors, who say "aye" a lot, are not team players! Wow, that makes a lot of sense.

You can also rearrange the letters in team to spell "meat." Does that mean vegetarians are not collaborative? Hey, maybe that’s why my team-building exercise Pass-the-Meatball ™ was such a flop during that brainstorming session with the folks at PETA.

Anyway, let's see what happens when we extend the logic of extracting meaning from the letters present in a word. An examination of the letters in the word consultant yields the following brilliant insights:
  • There’s a little bit of a “con” in every consultant.
  • You can’t spell consultant without using the letters in the words “slut” or “lust.”
Now listen up folks! Its just a coincidence that certain letters within a word form a pattern or other words. It ain't nothing to get hyped up about. This isn't the DaVinci Code! It's more akin to those silly coincidences between Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy that people like to cite with grim seriousness. You know: Lincoln was killed in Ford's Theater. Kennedy was killed while riding in a Lincoln convertible which was made by the Ford Motor Company. Oooh! Isn't that spooky and meaningful?

If you buy that crap, you're going to love these additional and little known Lincoln-Kennedy coincidences:
  • Lincoln was raised in a log cabin. A young John Kennedy once spilled Log Cabin syrup in the back of his dad’s Lincoln Continental.
  • After getting elected, Lincoln went to work and freed the slaves. Kennedy often went to work in frayed sleeves.
'nuff said!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

"The difference between stupidity and genius
is that genius has its limits."
Albert Einstein
Announcing a New Workshop!

Don't bemoan stupidity,
make it work for your organization!

Albert Einstein understood perfectly the dynamics that govern organizations. So isn't it high time you gave up trying to squeeze that last bit of genius from your employees? Instead, tap the infinite and inexhaustible power of stupidity! It's right there in your organization, inside every employee and it's just waiting to be tapped!

Topics to be covered in this action filled, mind numbing workshop include:
  • Why the smart leader never says, "I can't believe how stupid some people are!"
  • How to tell numbskulls, nitwits and nimrods apart.
  • Why there's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people...and why that's a really, really good thing.
  • The Frontiers of Management Science: What lies beyond Dumb and Dumber!

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

My latest book is a tour de force foray into career advice any loser can use! Take it from the consultant who has guided numerous organizations down the slippery slope past mediocrity all the way to oblivion. A lifetime of bad career moves and unfulfilled dreams await...but only if you know the secrets of the Unopened Parachute Methodology™.